I have written a lot recently, and I have posted none of it. My words have sat in my blog’s drafts collecting dust for months. I have deleted, revised, and almost clicked “publish” a dozen times. To have opinions, in a world that is already so loud with others’ opinions, feels selfish. Or worse yet, I fear that my words will fall on deaf ears and that feels pointless.
I’ve sat for six months considering why I wrote, and more importantly, for whom I wrote it. Was I writing so I could process current frustrations and past trauma? Absolutely. Does that mean I should share it? Probably not.
But I’ve spent these past months reflecting. Did I only write for me or did I write for those like me – the individuals who feel wounded and unwanted by their community? The ones that are painfully settled in the in-between? The ones who can’t, and won’t, reject God but also feel broken among those who claim Him? The ones who are dealing with their own world of hurt the church inflicted?
Did I write to address those who have done this to the ones who feel like me – the betrayers of our trust? The ones who felt our relationships weren’t worthy of protecting and instead crossed lines in the name of “righteousness”? Did I write to ask them to consider the cost of their words and actions?
I think I wrote for all of the above. I wrote because I don’t know how else to process what I have experienced, and I wrote because the pain is still very real. I wrote because the world seems to be getting louder and angrier. The stories I plan to share range from age fifteen to age thirty and are primarily about my experiences of shame within Christian community. They became progressively harder to write – you’ll probably see why.
I’m posting because people are still inflicting that pain I feel – in so many ways, and on so many people. I’m posting because I don’t know who needs to know they’re not alone, and I’m posting because I’m tired of Christians claiming that we need to be unified when we ignore each others’ humanity. I’m posting to call some folks on their bullshit.