For as long as I can remember I have said I will never have kids.
It’s not that I don’t like kids. Really, I do. It’s just that, after six younger siblings, I’ve already had my kids. I’ve changed diapers, wiped runny noses, read bedtime stories, played dolls, and kissed boo-boos. Honestly, I think this may have been my parents’ way of making sure I didn’t get pregnant outside of wedlock. Good work, parents, good work.
However, it may have worked a little too well. I do see the beauty in having children and, for the sake of cuteness in the world, I’m sure glad people still procreate. I just, personally, struggle to see it as my calling in life. So, when people ask about my future children, I tell them in no uncertain terms, “I’m NEVER having kids.”
Recently though, I realized I have some trouble with the word “never.” The trouble being that God has a funny way of never letting me get away with “never.” Let’s review my most recent “nevers,” shall we?
1. I will never go to Cedarville University.
2. I will never move to China.
3. I will never get married.
Guess what? I went to Cedarville University, I moved to China, and, last summer, I got married.
There’s always this moment in my life where I step back and think I have my life figured out. I feel like I know what’s coming. I can see my plans in black and white. I feel secure. Then, everything changes.
When Leif walked into my life, I didn’t want anything to do with a serious relationship. You see, I had plans. I was going to the Middle East to become something, to learn things, to explore. I didn’t need a man messing that up.
I didn’t realize how tightly I’d been hanging on to my expectations of my future until, suddenly, I found myself at a crossroads. I realized I could hold onto the expected, the black and white. Or, I could go for the unexpected and give it a try.
And, before I knew it, I loved him and I was marrying him.
The unexpected is a terrifying risk, but, slowly, I’m learning that it’s so worth it. I’m beginning to see that the best parts of life are the unexpected ones. The parts you never saw for yourself. That parts you may have even said you would never want.
Cedarville led me to amazing opportunities and wonderful friendships. China has given me daily adventures and lessons. And marrying Leif has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I know I struggle with control, with being able to expect the unexpected. And, I’m sure, I will continue to struggle. But I think it’s time for me to learn how to embrace the unexpected.
All that to say, I’m pregnant!
…I’m totally kidding. Scared you though, didn’t I?
In seriousness and to be completely honest, I still struggle with the idea of having children. I struggle with what it would mean if we did have a child. It’s hard for me to even imagine myself with a little boy or girl. However, I’ve decided to put away the word, “never.” “Never” leaves no room for the unexpected. And, as I’m learning, the unexpected can be better than I ever imagined.
What unexpected situations have changed your “nevers”? Leave a comment below.